Subject: Unusual Things Happening In The B-ble Belt.
June 5, 2006.
I used to live in the Bi-le Belt but some of these things
even sound strange to me. Some of them may be true and
yet some may be false. They use the original language
of the people who were explaining the different
experiences. It's OK to crack a smile while reading these
items.
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How Fast Can An-els Fly?
The Evang-lical Spectator's has learned from accounts in
Bristol, Tennessee that ange-s have been clocked at over 60
mph and probably hit 90-100 mph in glides and swoops. The
ang-ls have been observed over and the city and out at
Watauga Lake. They fly as high up 1 to 1/2 miles high, but
usually less, around 2-3,000 feet or so.
An-els have been observed to date only in the Bi-le Belt.
And they are not fast-flappers as birds go. It's seems
the an-els are propelled by forces not of this earth.
Celestial forces. They are constructed for gliding/soaring
flight and therefore use air currents, faith, determination,
much more than mere muscle. During Chri-tian holidays, for
example, an an-el can soar to a great height, begin a
gradual glide, or circular and not have to flap as much,
repeating this process over and over while covering hundreds
of miles.
A-gels do not nest in tress. Though they have been
observed nesting on rooftops.
It is a concern, of course, that mortals should not be
so aghast as seeing the ang-ls flying around town. Don't
shriek at ange-s. Don't point. The a-gels hate that.
The ange-s are not a form of wildlife. They have no
negative effect on the population as a whole. The
Ev-ngelical Spectator would encourage its readers to
quietly observe the ang-ls, without any outbursts or
outlandish fanfare.
The population of a-gels in the B-ble Belt is
approximately three thousand. We know a few by name. We
welcome them to the Bib-e Belt, and look forward to
understanding why they are here.
"Immigration problem? Nah, we love them an-els. We want
more. We just wish they wouldn't sit atop the ch-rch
roof. Them ange-s love to listen to hymns, you know. Harp
music goes well with organ or piano. Of course, not all
an-els can sing. They whoop, some of them. They can't all
be Conway Twitty."
May 28, 2006
http://evangelicalspectator.typepad.com/the_
evangelical_spectator/2006/05/how_fast_can_an.html
The So-l Test
"How do you know if you've lost your s-ul?" asks Henry
Allen, a de-con for the First Pres-yterian chu-ch of
Bloun-ville, Tennessee. "I mean is there a test. Can ya
check on it? Is there something like a home pregnancy test
for the so-l?"
"Honey, come in here. That little sticker I put in there
turned blue. Is that good or bad? Lost my sou-! Lord! What
do I do?"
"Or is it like a smoke detector. Don't hear no buzz? Do
I need some batteries? Double A or triple? I ain't got no
triple."
May 28, 2006
http://evangelicalspectator.typepad.com/the_evangelical_
spectator/2006/05/the_soul_test_1.html
Money in the Fish's Mouth
Carl Crock of Kings****t, Tennessee told The Evang-elical
Spectator he caught a fish at the lake and it had a five
dollar bill in its mouth. "It was a gift, I guess. Never
heard of any fish offering me a tip. Yes, I know of that
bib-e incident. Ma-thew 17:24-27. But it never happened to
me. There I was sitting in the boat and this fish was
giving me money."
"I have heard of fish with telephone bills in their mouth.
Maybe a satellite TV bill or an electric bill. But never
have I heard of cash. Of course, I accepted. What do you
take me for? I ain't no fool."
"I didn't do nothing for that money. But I reckon it
something that was meant to be. I been back out there at
the lake and I cain't a caught a fish with any money. Not
one red cent. But you never can tell. I might hit the
jackpot."
Since I pulled him in, a fish with a five dollar bill in
its mouth there have been a few others to catch fish with
cash in their mouths. Glen Bobbles caught a crappy with
fifty dollars in it. Jessee Pope caught a fish with two
bucks in its mouth. It got the fish in the boat and the
dang this started to flop about.
Jessee grabs it and shakes it by its tail and three
quarters, two nickels and seventeen pennies dropped out."
"My question is do we have to declare this on our
taxes? Cash money from fish doesn't seem to fit an
category on them tax applications. I say it ain't taxable.
Money from the Lord, I say."
http://evangelicalspectator.typepad.com/the_
evangelical_spectator/2006/05/money_in_the_fi.html
Donkey Speaks To Crowd
A donkey addressed a crowd of twenty-two bystanders at
a Bristol, Tennessee shopping mall.
We don't know what the donkey was talking about. He
talked pretty fast. I think he was perturbed at something
or somebody. We listened very carefully.
Some of us nodded our heads, on account of we wanted
the donkey to understand that east Tennessee is a nice
community, welcome to all visitors and talking donkeys
included.
All I heard him say was he had news to tell us.
Something to do the bi-le, a particularly interesting
passage in which Balaam's donkey spoke Nu-bers 22:21-35.
"It didn't occur to me," said Abe Pulliam to ask, "the
donkey what he was talking about. The donkey went on and
on. It could've had something to with the way Chri-tians
wor-hip. The strength of faith not being up to
expectations. The sacrifice that is need to achieve
righteous living."
"All I heard was "Blessed are the poor in sp-rit, for
theirs is the kingdom of heaven. And then I think I heard,
"Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the
earth."
"I heard that donkey speak. I heard it say something
about heav-n. How there were not so many donkeys in
he-ven. Of course, donkeys mumble a lot and clear their
throat. Some distraction occurred from his tail swatting
flies and his head nodding. And braying does nothing
to enhance a sermon."
"If you ask me, I agree with what the donkey said.
Though I'm not real sure what he said."
Nu-bers 22:21-35 tells us:
So Balaam arose in the morning, and saddled his donkey,
and went with the leaders of Moab. But Go- was angry because
he was going, and the ang-l of the Lord took his stand in
the way as an adversary against him. Now he was riding
on his donkey and his two servants were with him. When
the donkey saw the -ngel of the Lord standing in the way
with his drawn sword in his hand, the donkey turned off
from the way and went into the field; but Balaam struck the
donkey to turn her back into the way. Then the an-el of
the Lord stood in a narrow path of the vineyards, with a
wall on this side and a wall on that side. When the
donkey saw the an-el of the Lord, she pressed herself to
the wall and pressed Balaam's foot against the wall, so
he struck her again. And the ang-l of the Lord went
further, and stood in a narrow place where there was no
way to turn to the right hand or the left. When the
donkey saw the a-gel of the Lord, she lay down under
Balaam; so Balaam was angry and struck the donkey with
his stick. And the Lord opened the mouth of the donkey,
and she said to Balaam, "What have I done to you, that
you have struck me these three times?" Then Balaam said
to the donkey, "Because you have made a mockery of me!
If there had been a sword in my hand, I would have
ki-led you by now."
And the donkey said to Balaam, "Am I not your donkey on
which you have ridden all your life to this day? Have I
ever been accustomed to do so to you?" And he said, "No."
Then the Lord opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the
an-el of the Lord standing in the way with his drawn
sword in his hand; and he bowed all the way to the ground.
And the ang-l of the Lord said to him, "Why have you struck
your donkey these three times? Behold, I have come out as
an adversary, because your way was contrary to me. But
the donkey saw me and turned aside from me these three
times. If she had not turned aside from me, I would
surely have k-lled you just now, and let her live." And
Balaam said to the an-el of the Lord, "I have si-ned,
for I did not know that you were standing in the way
against me. Now then, if it is displeasing to you, I will
turn back." But the ang-l of the Lord said to Balaam,
"Go with the men, but you shall speak only the word which
I shall I tell you." So Balaam went along with the
leaders of Balak.
It was during this ride towards Balak that Balaam
"received a rebuke for his own transgression form a dumb
donkey. speaking with the voice of man restrained the
madness of the prophet." As we have just seen in Num-ers,
as Balaam was riding to Balak's camp, Go- became angry
with him and the an-el of the Lord stood in his way as
an adversary against him.
2 Pe-er 2:12-14:
But these, like unreasoning animals, born as creatures
of instinct to be captured and ki-led, reviling where
they have no knowledge, will in the destruction of those
creatures also be destroyed, suffering wrong as the wages
of doing wrong. They count it a pleasure to revel in
the daytime. They are stains and blemishes, reveling in
their deceptions, as they carouse with you; having eyes
full of ad-ltery and that never cease from si-; enticing
unstable so-ls, having a heart trained in greed,
accursed children . . .
"The B-ble Study group has contracted with the donkey
for another speaking engagement. They looking forward to
listening to the donkey, whose name, by the way, was
Bobby."
More to come about the talking donkey. The Ev-ngelical
Spectator listens and hears the strangest things.
May 28, 2006
http://evangelicalspectator.typepad.com/the_
evangelical_spectator/2006/05/donkey_speaks_t.html"
Part 1.
John Winston.
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