hey. half a rose coloured e, symbol of a spade (as in teh suite).
the first effect was physically to the head, a burst kind of feeling.
soon i began crititicizing it for only creating immense boredom... and
'immense boredom' i went over those words a few times pleased of it's
accuracy. but that is intermingled with with a slight pleasure in
things, fading off into boredom again. when i laughed or had other
smile experiences i lingered on the 'ecstacy' of it. this is all at
first and it's only half e, yet i am juicing it for all the
information i can ;). and that was the problem i discovered... the
e hadn't made me stupid and extroverted instead i had gone within
myself introspecting the effect of the drug, and analysing it with my
brain, and even then was aware that the primary experience is one of
analysis and i am actually getting high on analysis rather than life
which i found boring and intolerable for the most part at first. so i
began analysing analysis as a high, but i knew the full experience of
e was watered down without the life experience to stimulate me. all
of this was and still is quite crystal clear, that's one benefit i
felt... perceptions are clear.
i felt the symbolic spade and the colour were suitable..... the
dryness of heart and bother, and the tinge of pleasure that keeps
returning to this emptiness and then finding itself again tickled
inside the experience of life.
i tried listening to marilyn manson, eat me drink me... remembering
that he hadn't wanted to ever do e because he'd heard it makes you
like people. but i had a suspiscion this romantic album is based on
e. anyway i didn't like it i'd heard it too many times and it sounded
dull or deadened.
i realized more clearly how whole-body consciousness is rather than
brain. i saw that my new interest in this whole-bodiedness of
consciousness is corresponding to my ****ft from mental-y obsession to
more full body sensitivity and owner****p of the body, and emotion, and
relaxation. although i am **** at all of that. my theory and my
consciousness are "getting there".....
gordon asked how the feeling is and i said the verbal mentation is
amazing. later though i felt interested in what they were saying
around me. at first the experiences they were talking about were
unrelatable and i felt impossible to really recreate in my mind. and
i am so ****ing in theory and mind the life experience is like an
alien world in general, it's like they are really involved in the
computer games and relate as individuals slugging through their
different realities but i didn't feel that same immersion especially
at the time i was analysing them!
they became enjoyable. and we watched ****ing you tube. i did a tour
of 'real levitation' and other magic and monster and ufo kind of ****,
gordon didn't get it at first and kept acting like he was the first
person to doubt any of it but max understood that it's all fun. i
like the chinese dragon spirit captured on film if you wanna look that
up.
i remembered a dream. for days ive been thinking of levitating. the
dream i had i thought was real and that i was finally able to fly
(while i was having the dream), and it felt like a true reality.
almost thought i was remembering "the other day" and not a dream
first. i spent some time in silence trying to levitate, or walking
around wanting to really make a go of it but i didn't want to make a
fool of myself. i don't know if that's e but that's me. :P
yeah when life gets moving in the way that interests me my emotions do
to. atleast on drugs that's true. the truth is my s*****onin is ****,
so life is hard to feel good about, and life doesn't change the brain
factor. but im exaggerating, life isn't bad or over yet.. ;) anyway,
the drug e game me some pleasure and i knew before i took it i would
have to be subtle about it and not expect anything else, im too
old.....in the brain. i realized some things about myself. i make
humangoose issues out of my internal drama. but that can all be in
the explanation, because explanation and examination have become like
life itself they eclipse the actual experience of living in interest
to me..... and my own imagination, otherwise. i can make worlds and
dreams are my best escape from the waking hallucination of real life.
it's alright.
real life that is........
it's just funny..... analysing the high stimulated by analysis itself,
over any other condition........... :)
but the physical body feeling itself, the high of that and the way my
feeling and mental processes other than analysis were changing were
focus aswell. and later i started coming out of myself and joining in
and i did feel extra fluent socially and simply had to control the
expression and balance it with my introspective nature which i always
find to be the number one task on almost any drug.
what i mean by being full of **** with my personal drama... i think
you understand. i just been thinking over the things ive said to
people on the internet, you and one other, and how i stir up moments
in time into emotional essays... things that aren't a big dea, i make
a fuss out of, primarily because im analysing every ripple and tremor
of life, and not experienced real life and the full proper life. my
ego makes labyinths! it's interesting and strangely under alot of the
crap that's al there is and im bored to the point of self torture for
entartainment. a fuss out of nothing. there's a grain of something
and a big dollop of intellectual fat to it all......... otherwise i'm
just really very bored and i need a life probably comes down to that,
as i said though the s*****onin is crap, and life is hard to enjoy, so
any dramas are like old person crossword puzzles and id really like to
be fully relaxed more than alive, im restless but im not passionate
enough to come back to the real world, im still looking at it from
here. making dramas out of intangible matter... video, word, thought,
not very much life sense world experience.
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