alien vs filthyanimal

with ocd it is difficult to tell whether im getting worse or better,
its like im getting both at the same time.  im making adjustments and
allowances, but anything which i want to keep "ocd" (because it is too
much my nature, or because i believe it's the world that's got it all
wrong and not me whos weird) has tightened so much that i am in shock
when the fortress does not hold up.

last night it was the knife again.  mum let it drop onto the table and
the edge was touching the table.  yes it's a kitchen table but i do
not eat from anything that touches it.  i found it later after she
wasn't here thank god and it felt like i had been shot in the stomach
and i was speechless, then i hyperventilate.  and the magnitude of the
situation seems beyond me although i can joke about it being a knife
on a table i can't pretend it's not the end of the world my world
atleast.

this is about the 4th expensive knife that has been let to drop on
either the table or the floor.  when mum did it last time it was the
same issue you might remember, except i disgusted my mind into a
disembodied trance, i actually lost consciousness a number of times
and the world was generally so gross to me that even the consciousness
of it made me curl back inside me.

yeah so there is the question is it just me or is it the filthy world
that has it wrong, and i think it is both of us too extreme in our
ways.  for instance the world might look like the crazy one if you are
considering their own hygene habits... everyone washes their hands but
immediately they touch a door knob or a railing in the town or they
might touch money and these are the kinds of things the people don't
seem to notice, there are contradictions in their will... are they
trying to be hygenic... or not... they are conflicted.  i am trying to
be more single pointed... for instance i am a vegan and thus i do not
make exceptions by eating products even where dairy is not the main
ingredient.. so i believe there are probably almost no vegans in the
western world because everything is infected with either meat or dairy
products on the supermarket shelf, almost, and they contradict
themself by not paying it attention.  so who's crazy...... me because
i pay too much attention to reality or them because they are in denial
about the truth of how disgusting it is, they have to hide from it to
make do with it..... another e.g., meat eaters... most of them admit
they must blank themselves from the knowledge of it as an animal.
they literally make themselves stupider people by doing that..... but
it becomes such a habit of narrowing consciousness that it infects
everything about their life, they become dumber less sensitive
beings.  i mean to cut the mind off from being aware of the creature
is really stupid, although i am not being arrogant because there are
other ways im like that but that is so immoral aswell that it's not
all about how dumb they are they are really in conflict with
goodness.  "lord forgive them for they..." you know the
drill ;P......... i almost respect those people who have a fetish
about the fact that it IS an animal lol.  although that is so wrong it
is almost evil but atleast they aren't faking reality out.  you know
MrM said something interesting about seeing a human body torn in two
pieces when he was a youth, and his brain couldn't get it that it was
a real person.

anywayyyy...... so ive got a problem to some extent but i wish others
would acknowledge that it is somewhat based on reality, probably more
than their reaction in fact.