On May 13, 2:59=A0pm, dead <kosmicg...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
> On May 13, 2:03=A0pm, dead <kosmicg...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
>
>
>
>
>
> > with ocd it is difficult to tell whether im getting worse or better,
> > its like im getting both at the same time. =A0im making adjustments
and
> > allowances, but anything which i want to keep "ocd" (because it is too
> > much my nature, or because i believe it's the world that's got it all
> > wrong and not me whos weird) has tightened so much that i am in shock
> > when the fortress does not hold up.
>
> > last night it was the knife again. =A0mum let it drop onto the table
and=
> > the edge was touching the table. =A0yes it's a kitchen table but i do
> > not eat from anything that touches it. =A0i found it later after she
> > wasn't here thank god and it felt like i had been shot in the stomach
> > and i was speechless, then i hyperventilate. =A0and the magnitude of
the=
> > situation seems beyond me although i can joke about it being a knife
> > on a table i can't pretend it's not the end of the world my world
> > atleast.
>
> i was repeating "help" otherwise i wasn't able to speak or think
> much. =A0i wanted to die, i remember thinking. =A0the only reason i
didn't=
> kill myself was the knife was too dirty and i didn't want to fall on
> the floor.
>
>
>
> > this is about the 4th expensive knife that has been let to drop on
> > either the table or the floor. =A0when mum did it last time it was the
> > same issue you might remember, except i disgusted my mind into a
> > disembodied trance, i actually lost consciousness a number of times
> > and the world was generally so gross to me that even the consciousness
> > of it made me curl back inside me.
>
> > yeah so there is the question is it just me or is it the filthy world
> > that has it wrong, and i think it is both of us too extreme in our
> > ways. =A0for instance the world might look like the crazy one if you
are=
> > considering their own hygene habits... everyone washes their hands but
> > immediately they touch a door knob or a railing in the town or they
> > might touch money and these are the kinds of things the people don't
> > seem to notice, there are contradictions in their will... are they
> > trying to be hygenic... or not... they are conflicted. =A0i am trying
to=
> > be more single pointed... for instance i am a vegan and thus i do not
> > make exceptions by eating products even where dairy is not the main
> > ingredient.. so i believe there are probably almost no vegans in the
> > western world because everything is infected with either meat or dairy
> > products on the supermarket shelf, almost, and they contradict
> > themself by not paying it attention. =A0so who's crazy...... me
because
> > i pay too much attention to reality or them because they are in denial
> > about the truth of how disgusting it is, they have to hide from it to
> > make do with it..... another e.g., meat eaters... most of them admit
> > they must blank themselves from the knowledge of it as an animal.
> > they literally make themselves stupider people by doing that..... but
> > it becomes such a habit of narrowing consciousness that it infects
> > everything about their life, they become dumber less sensitive
> > beings. =A0i mean to cut the mind off from being aware of the creature
> > is really stupid, although i am not being arrogant because there are
> > other ways im like that but that is so immoral aswell that it's not
> > all about how dumb they are they are really in conflict with
> > goodness. =A0"lord forgive them for they..." you know the
> > drill ;P......... i almost respect those people who have a fetish
> > about the fact that it IS an animal lol. =A0although that is so wrong
it=
> > is almost evil but atleast they aren't faking reality out. =A0you know
> > MrM said something interesting about seeing a human body torn in two
> > pieces when he was a youth, and his brain couldn't get it that it was
> > a real person.
>
> > anywayyyy...... so ive got a problem to some extent but i wish others
> > would acknowledge that it is somewhat based on reality, probably more
> > than their reaction in fact.
um.. yeah and the other way of dealing with things for me is to just
let the ocd have its way and not fight it, do not panic because filth
is inevitable, but do not allow the filth just do the routine and
replace the knife because **** happens. this very clear acceptance of
ocd was bothering mum because although i wasn't having attacks it made
it so that my ocd soared to new heights of expression. i gave all my
dishes to her because i left them unwashed for too many days... i do
not eat anything with vinegar in it, thickeners that aren't labeled, i
gave up most of the few things that i'd been able to eat previously.
i dont eat anything cooked in a shop (have you seen ramsey's kitchen
nightmares? jessus ****in christ!). i do not touch my genitalia,
lol... i didn't even notice that for like a year but if i do i wash my
hands immediately. if i scratch my head i wash my hands. i use
tissues to open the doors. everything just became the way things are
for me without fighting it. and if i went to a psyche i'd probably be
against the idea of lowering myself anymore to the way things are in
the real world and try to more control my emotions without having to
give up ocd... i know there are "allowances and adjustments" i must
make but in some things cant imagine ever doing that, for a long time,
it isn't worth it. i can't enjoy life if it doesn't conform to
certain peculiarities i have and some of them i would like to enforce
by law but others are simply my nature..... but the world should make
more space.
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