On May 13, 2:28=A0am, dead <kosmicg...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
> On May 13, 4:51=A0pm, dead <kosmicg...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
>
>
>
>
>
> > On May 13, 4:13=A0pm, dead <kosmicg...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
>
> > > On May 13, 4:02=A0pm, dead <kosmicg...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
>
> > > > On May 13, 3:11=A0pm, dead <kosmicg...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
>
> > > > > On May 13, 2:59=A0pm, dead <kosmicg...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
>
> > > > > > On May 13, 2:03=A0pm, dead <kosmicg...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
>
> > > > > > > with ocd it is difficult to tell whether im getting worse or
b=
etter,
> > > > > > > its like im getting both at the same time. =A0im making
adjust=
ments and
> > > > > > > allowances, but anything which i want to keep "ocd" (because
i=
t is too
> > > > > > > much my nature, or because i believe it's the world that's
got=
it all
> > > > > > > wrong and not me whos weird) has tightened so much that i am
i=
n shock
> > > > > > > when the fortress does not hold up.
>
> > > > > > > last night it was the knife again. =A0mum let it drop onto
the=
table and
> > > > > > > the edge was touching the table. =A0yes it's a kitchen table
b=
ut i do
> > > > > > > not eat from anything that touches it. =A0i found it later
aft=
er she
> > > > > > > wasn't here thank god and it felt like i had been shot in
the =
stomach
> > > > > > > and i was speechless, then i hyperventilate. =A0and the
magnit=
ude of the
> > > > > > > situation seems beyond me although i can joke about it being
a=
knife
> > > > > > > on a table i can't pretend it's not the end of the world my
wo=
rld
> > > > > > > atleast.
>
> > > > > > i was repeating "help" otherwise i wasn't able to speak or
think=
> > > > > > much. =A0i wanted to die, i remember thinking. =A0the only
reaso=
n i didn't
> > > > > > kill myself was the knife was too dirty and i didn't want to
fal=
l on
> > > > > > the floor.
>
> > > > > > > this is about the 4th expensive knife that has been let to
dro=
p on
> > > > > > > either the table or the floor. =A0when mum did it last time
it=
was the
> > > > > > > same issue you might remember, except i disgusted my mind
into=
a
> > > > > > > disembodied trance, i actually lost consciousness a number
of =
times
> > > > > > > and the world was generally so gross to me that even the
consc=
iousness
> > > > > > > of it made me curl back inside me.
>
> > > > > > > yeah so there is the question is it just me or is it the
filth=
y world
> > > > > > > that has it wrong, and i think it is both of us too extreme
in=
our
> > > > > > > ways. =A0for instance the world might look like the crazy
one =
if you are
> > > > > > > considering their own hygene habits... everyone washes their
h=
ands but
> > > > > > > immediately they touch a door knob or a railing in the town
or=
they
> > > > > > > might touch money and these are the kinds of things the
people=
don't
> > > > > > > seem to notice, there are contradictions in their will...
are =
they
> > > > > > > trying to be hygenic... or not... they are conflicted. =A0i
am=
trying to
> > > > > > > be more single pointed... for instance i am a vegan and thus
i=
do not
> > > > > > > make exceptions by eating products even where dairy is not
the=
main
> > > > > > > ingredient.. so i believe there are probably almost no
vegans =
in the
> > > > > > > western world because everything is infected with either
meat =
or dairy
> > > > > > > products on the supermarket shelf, almost, and they
contradict=
> > > > > > > themself by not paying it attention. =A0so who's crazy......
m=
e because
> > > > > > > i pay too much attention to reality or them because they are
i=
n denial
> > > > > > > about the truth of how disgusting it is, they have to hide
fro=
m it to
> > > > > > > make do with it..... another e.g., meat eaters... most of
them=
admit
> > > > > > > they must blank themselves from the knowledge of it as an
anim=
al.
> > > > > > > they literally make themselves stupider people by doing
that..=
.... but
> > > > > > > it becomes such a habit of narrowing consciousness that it
inf=
ects
> > > > > > > everything about their life, they become dumber less
sensitive=
> > > > > > > beings. =A0i mean to cut the mind off from being aware of
the =
creature
> > > > > > > is really stupid, although i am not being arrogant because
the=
re are
> > > > > > > other ways im like that but that is so immoral aswell that
it'=
s not
> > > > > > > all about how dumb they are they are really in conflict with
> > > > > > > goodness. =A0"lord forgive them for they..." you know the
> > > > > > > drill ;P......... i almost respect those people who have a
fet=
ish
> > > > > > > about the fact that it IS an animal lol. =A0although that is
s=
o wrong it
> > > > > > > is almost evil but atleast they aren't faking reality out.
=A0=
you know
> > > > > > > MrM said something interesting about seeing a human body
torn =
in two
> > > > > > > pieces when he was a youth, and his brain couldn't get it
that=
it was
> > > > > > > a real person.
>
> > > > > > > anywayyyy...... so ive got a problem to some extent but i
wish=
others
> > > > > > > would acknowledge that it is somewhat based on reality,
probab=
ly more
> > > > > > > than their reaction in fact.
>
> > > > > um.. yeah and the other way of dealing with things for me is to
ju=
st
> > > > > let the ocd have its way and not fight it, do not panic because
fi=
lth
> > > > > is inevitable, but do not allow the filth just do the routine
and
> > > > > replace the knife because **** happens. =A0this very clear
accepta=
nce of
> > > > > ocd was bothering mum because although i wasn't having attacks
it =
made
> > > > > it so that my ocd soared to new heights of expression. =A0i gave
a=
ll my
> > > > > dishes to her because i left them unwashed for too many days...
i =
do
> > > > > not eat anything with vinegar in it, thickeners that aren't
labele=
d, i
> > > > > gave up most of the few things that i'd been able to eat
previousl=
y.
> > > > > i dont eat anything cooked in a shop (have you seen ramsey's
kitch=
en
> > > > > nightmares? =A0jessus ****in christ!). =A0 i do not touch my
genit=
alia,
> > > > > lol... i didn't even notice that for like a year but if i do i
was=
h my
> > > > > hands immediately. if i scratch my head i wash my hands. =A0i
use
> > > > > tissues to open the doors. =A0everything just became the way
thing=
s are
> > > > > for me without fighting it. =A0and if i went to a psyche i'd
proba=
bly be
> > > > > against the idea of lowering myself anymore to the way things
are =
in
> > > > > the real world and try to more control my emotions without
having =
to
> > > > > give up ocd... i know there are "allowances and adjustments" i
mus=
t
> > > > > make but in some things cant imagine ever doing that, for a long
t=
ime,
> > > > > it isn't worth it. =A0i can't enjoy life if it doesn't conform
to
> > > > > certain peculiarities i have and some of them i would like to
enfo=
rce
> > > > > by law but others are simply my nature..... but the world should
m=
ake
> > > > > more space.
>
> > > > so she bought me a new knife and a plastic draw set to keep my
thing=
s
> > > > seperate from visitors things. =A0that's teh equivalent of buying
> > > > someone an oxygen mask in a country like india which stinks.
=A0she'=
s
> > > > really nice, i hope the world follows suite. :)
>
> > > of course i identify with "vegan vulgarian" so i am at this moment
> > > expressing one side of that equation only, dancing around the vulgar
> > > to make space however for even the filthyanimal that i am aswell.
=A0o=
ne
> > > of the hardest parts of the fight is that the filthy animal is in
me.
> > > hell i just scratched my head (although i am typing and when i am
> > > typing i wash my hands after anyway, but usually i would not touch
my
> > > body while typing at all to avoid getting dead skin cells, old
sweat,
> > > other people ive let use the keyboard, onto the body i might forget
to=
> > > wash afterward!). =A0anyway the other half of me is the part that
does=
> > > desire ***, watches **** movies (no.), sloths and is not bothered to
> > > clean up after himself, makes loud mouth emotional express ions of
> > > himself on the internut web. =A0enjoys chaos over order, in fact
fight=
s
> > > on belahf of chaos. =A0i will put myself out as different aspects
> > > depending on the social context.
>
> > now i am interested......... you see im torn in two, two bodies.
=A0can
> > see that im a real person or not?
>
> > first there was this need to honour both parts which had and still are
> > very apart from one another in each others shadow. =A0the more i
flipped=
> > i had to deal with the issue.. that everything was either becoming
> > muddied up, or else the split was becoming so huge i had one extreme
> > contradicting another. =A0more and more i have been able to..
negotiate
> > a middle way, and even in the extremes to never negate the value of
> > the other side of ME. =A0 first it is like cla****ng two different
self-
> > systems together and its like the frankenstein concept again. =A0but
> > there is possible a fluid interaction for the idealized (or demonized)
> > parts of ourself, it just takes time to really become self-aware and
> > juggling enough to get the motion to negotiate a new wholeness.
>
> how do you like them bones? ;)- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -
Gordon: Quite the story.
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