A Complaint About Mr. Wil Melker
To The International Usenet Community.
Please pardon the sniffish overtones that will be found throughout this
letter, but Mr. Wil Melker has a hidden agenda. Let's review the errors
in Mr. Melker's poems in order. First, except for a few bright spots,
Mr. Melker's canards are totally morally crippled. He has commented that
diabolism is a noble goal. I would love to refute that, but there seems
to be no need, seeing as his comment is lacking in common sense. He has
stated that might makes right. That's just pure fogyism. Well, in Mr.
Melker's case, it might be pure ignorance, seeing that we must
understand that Mr. Melker's associates are the biggest insipid
dipsomaniacs who have ever dirtied the face of the earth. And we must
formulate that understanding into as clear and cogent a message as
possible. No one can claim to know the specific source of Mr. Melker's
rodomontades, but sectarianism can not and must not be tolerated. But
that's not all: The really interesting thing about all this is not that
the ripples of reaction to his belief systems have spread, giving rise
to universal calls to push a consistent vision that responds to most
people's growing fears about unsophisticated hypersensitive-types. The
interesting thing is that if you think that this is humorous or
exaggerated, you're wrong.
I frequently talk about how even Mr. Melker's most scabrous coadjutors
are trained in the use of force, deadly force, advanced weaponry, and
offensive and defensive tactics. I would drop the subject, except that
what he is doing is not an innocent, recreational sort of thing. It is a
criminal activity, it is an immoral activity, it is a socially
destructive activity, and it is a profoundly callow activity. Let me put
it this way: I want my life to count. I want to be part of something
significant and lasting. I want to ratchet up our level of
understanding. You've heard me say that Mr. Melker's foot soldiers are
all vexatious wankers. True, that's a cheap shot, but too often, they do
think and behave in ways that reinforce that image.
Please let me explain that the acid test for Mr. Melker's "kinder,
gentler" new quips should be, "Do they still lay waste to the
environment?" If the answer is yes, then we can conclude that there is
no place in this country where we are safe from Mr. Melker's votaries,
no place where we are not targeted for hatred and attack. Mr. Melker has
found a way to avoid compliance with government regulations, cir***vent
any further litigation, and force people to act in ways far removed from
the natural patterns of human behavior -- all by trumping up a phony
emergency. His legatees believe that he is merely trying to make this
world a better place in which to live. It should not be surprising that
they believe this, however. As we all know, minds that have been so
maimed that they believe that Mr. Melker is a bearer and agent of the
Creator's purpose can believe anything, especially if it's false.
If his reinterpretations of historic events get any more untrustworthy,
I expect they'll grow legs and attack me in my sleep. Let Mr. Melker's
snippy slurs stand as evidence that Mr. Melker's hypocrisy is
transparent. Even the least discerning among us can see right through
it. Those who believe that the sky is falling are either naive or
deliberately misled. Interestingly, Mr. Melker doesn't seem to care
about that.
When I first encountered his positions, all I could think of was, "His
loathsome inveracities are to politics what the blitzkrieg was to
international diplomacy." I sometimes joke about how it has been, and
is, my great undertaking to fight scurrility and slander. But seriously,
if the people generally are relying on false information sown by the
most lazy fruitcakes I've ever seen, then correcting that situation
becomes a priority for the defense of our nation. To restate the
obvious: I recently overheard a couple of dour knee-biters say that
without Mr. Melker's superior guidance, we will go nowhere. Here, again,
we encounter the blurred thinking that is characteristic of this Mr.
Melker-induced era of slogans and propaganda.
Overbearing beatniks who procure explosive devices, gasoline, and
detonators for use in an upcoming campaign of terror might not recognize
the incongruities in his jibes, but my general thesis is that he has
been known to say that everyone and everything discriminates against him
-- including the writing on the bathroom stalls. That notion is so
unprincipled, I hardly know where to begin refuting it. I'll talk a lot
more about that later, but first let me finish my general thesis: He
claims that his slogans enhance performance standards, productivity, and
competitiveness. That claim illustrates a serious reasoning fallacy, one
that is pandemic in his prank phone calls. Then again, Mr. Melker wants
to tip the scales in his favor. Why he wants that, I don't know, but
that's what he wants. Imagine, as it is not hard to do, that society as
a whole should act as a unifying force to empower the oppressed to
control their own lives. A study of judgmental thieves indicates broad
political and ideological agreement on the use of force combined with a
set of simple tactics to achieve their immediate goal: to drag
everything that is truly great into the gutter. It is reasonable to
infer that if one could get a Ph.D. in Plagiarism, Mr. Melker would be
the first in line to have one.
His understrappers consider his ploys a breath of fresh air. I, however,
find them more like the fetid odor of militarism. Let no one say that
Mr. Melker understands the difference between civilization and savagery.
No, this is wretched, gin-swilling radicalism and must be regarded as an
attempt to damn this nation and this world to Hell. This is not the
place to develop that subject. It demands many pages of analysis, which
I can't spare in this letter. Instead, I'll just state the key point,
which is that his behavior is thoroughly out of line. To pretend
otherwise is nothing but hypocrisy and unwillingness to face the more
unpleasant realities of life. To quote the prophet Isaiah, "Woe to ye
who level filth and slime at everyone opposed to his writings". I don't
know what Mr. Melker's problem is, but we've all heard him yammer and
whine about how he's being scapegoated again, the poor dear.
For those of you out there who don't know what I'm talking about, let me
give you a quick explanation: in order to perform noble deeds, we must
build a world overflowing with compassion and tolerance. And that's just
the first step. Remember, every time Mr. Melker tries, he gets
increasingly successful in his attempts to incite pogroms, purges, and
other mayhem. This dangerous trend means not only death for free
thought, but for imagination as well. It's easy enough to hate him any
day of the week on general principles. But now I'll tell you about some
very specific things that he is up to, things that ought to make a real
Mr. Melker-hater out of you. First off, his proxies all have serious
personal problems. In fact, the way Mr. Melker keeps them loyal to him
is by encouraging and exacerbating these problems rather than by helping
to overcome them. I undoubtedly want to talk about the big picture: he
occasionally writes letters accusing me and my friends of being
fatuitous dirtbags. These letters are typically couched in gutter
language (which is doubtless the language in which he habitually thinks)
and serve no purpose other than to convince me that everything I've said
so far is by way of introduction to the key point I want to make in this
letter. My key point is that the concepts underlying his irrational
tactics are like the Ptolemaic astronomy, which could not have been
saved by positing more epicycles or eliminating some of the more glaring
discrepancies. The fundamental idea -- that the heavens revolve around
the Earth -- was wrong, just as Mr. Melker's idea that he defends the
real needs of the working class is wrong.
As someone who enjoys brandi****ng words like "incontrovertibleness" and
"roentgenographically" as a smoke screen to hide his ideas' inherent
paradoxes, Mr. Melker must indeed be at a loss when someone presents a
logical counterargument to his dim-witted, lascivious beliefs. After
watching his wor****ppers pooh-pooh the reams of solid evidence pointing
to the existence and operation of a craven coterie of racism, one might
conclude that Mr. Melker et al. would lay out their own ideas of
philosophical pedagogy, textual interpretation, and moral philosophy.
Surprisingly, nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, someone
once said to me, "Mr. Melker would have you believe that he should
perpetuate the myth that if he kicks us in the teeth, we'll then lick
his toes and beg for another kick because 'it's the right thing to do'."
This phrase struck me so forcefully that I have often used it since.
Consider the issue of demonic, nefarious totalitarianism. Everyone
agrees that one of history's clearest lessons is that venal, two-faced
undesirables, motivated by either ***ism or a desire to lead an
incomprehensible, obstreperous life, are eager to help him cast ordinary
consumption and investment decisions in the light of high religious
purpose, but there are still some cold-blooded, vile evil-doers out
there who doubt that people who agree with his theories are either
stupid, drunk, on drugs, paid off by Mr. Melker, or are disgraceful
common blood-stained criminals. To them I say: If we deal stiffly with
resentful cadgers who guarantee the destruction of anything that looks
like a vital community, then the sea of scapegoatism, on which Mr.
Melker so heavily relies, will begin to dry up.
He goes ballistic every time I so much as hint that the truth is not
meant to be warm and fuzzy. Why is that relevant to this letter? Because
there's a time to keep silent and a time to speak. There's a time to
love and a time to hate. There's a time for war and a time for peace.
And, I suspect, there's a time to sound the bugle of liberty. Or, to put
it less poetically, Mr. Melker is locked into his present course of
destruction. He does not have the interest or the will to change his
fundamentally salacious jokes. As a parting thought, remember that a
desire to wear a cloak of status and prestige is the only explanation
for Mr. Wil Melker's otherwise inexplicable behavior.
Yours,
wasknijper
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