[Revised and expanded from earlier posts. I'm sticking to 1st edition
AD&D. Newsgroup posters please keep all newsgroups in replies. Readers
of evil alignment and low intelligence please note: This is intended as
satire, and I have allowed myself a small degree of exaggeration for
satirical purposes. Not everything here is intended as a strictly
realistic ****trayal of these individuals.]
George W. Bush
Race: Human
Class: 0 level man-at-arms
Hit Points: 4
Strength: 10
Intelligence: 5
Wisdom: 6
Dexterity: 8
Constitution: 11
Charisma: -2 (19 to Republicans, trolls (all kinds!), orcs, half-orcs,
goblins, hobgoblins, etc.)
Alignment: Lawful Evil
While this character's ability scores may seem rather low* (and in
addition there is some controversy over whether he actually completed
enough training to qualify as a man-at-arms), he has managed to
compensate for this by surrounding himself with high-ability henchmen,
hirelings, and other allies.
*He is rumored to have at one time possessed near-average or even
average level intelligence, but long years of alcoholism, drug abuse,
and devotedly refraining from exercising what intelligence nature had
endowed him with have taken a grievous toll.
The ruler of an empire, this character suffers from a major form of
insanity similar to kleptomania, but focused on the wholesale theft of
the wealth of foreign countries.
Dick Cheney
Race: Half-Orc
Class: 11th level Thief
Hit Points: 33
Strength: 11
Intelligence: 13
Wisdom: 7
Dexterity: 11
Constitution: 9
Charisma: 6
Alignment: Lawful Evil
Formerly the Guildmaster of a large thieves' guild disguised as a
commercial firm, Cheney has turned his attention entirely to his work as
Bush's head henchman.
This character is rumored to derive his power from a rare grimoire, the
NecroNeoCon.
Cheney has secondary skill in hunting, but there is a 1 in 100 chance
per round that he will suddenly attack any hunting companion within
missile range.
Osama bin Ladin
Class: 12th level cleric; 15th level assassin
Hit Points: 99
Strength: 13
Intelligence: 15
Wisdom: 17
Dexterity: 14
Constitution: 8 (suffers from diabetes)
Charisma: 17
Alignment: Chaotic Evil
A Hassan i Sabbah-type figure based in an obscure mountain cavern
complex, this highly devout religious figure suffers from monomania
focused on an obsession with a "holy war" against the empire ruled by
Bush and his allies.
Hugo Chávez
Race: Human
Class: 9th level Paladin
Hit Points: 55
Strength: 12
Intelligence: 13
Wisdom: 15
Dexterity: 7 (damaged vision)
Constitution: 14
Charisma: 18
Alignment: Lawful Good (leaning to Lawful Neutral)
This career warrior has successfully used his high charisma and
championing of the poor and downtrodden to become ruler of a small state.
While his social programs for the "good of all" have earned him a fair
amount of respect, Chaotic Good characters tend to find his
authoritarianism intolerable and his "cult of personality" regrettable;
Lawful Evil characters claim to consider him an outright despot (one
prominent cleric has repeatedly called for his assassination), but given
their own totalitarian politics the sincerity of this concern seems less
than likely.
Rush Limbaugh
Race: Half-Ogre
Class: 1st level Fighter
Hit Points: 22
Strength: 14
Intelligence: 7/4
Wisdom: 5/1
Dexterity: 10/8
Constitution: 18
Charisma: -1/-2 (21/20 to Republicans, trolls (all kinds!), ogres,
orcs, half-orcs, goblins, hobgoblins, etc.)
Alignment: Lawful Evil
Note the dual ability scores, as these are adjusted to apply when this
character is in his usual state of moderate-level narcotic intoxication.
Note also that due to his habituation to narcotics use and enormous
size, it requires far higher dosage levels for him to reach any given
level of intoxication than a normal character. A normal character
imbibing Limbaugh's typical dosage of narcotics would have to make a
saving throw against poison or die, and would become severely
intoxicated if he survives the overdose.
Ann Coulter
Race: Human (see below)
Class: 12th level Illusionist
Hit Points: 22
Strength: 11
Intelligence: 17
Wisdom: 9
Dexterity: 17
Constitution: 10
Charisma: -1 (23 to Republicans, trolls (all kinds!), orcs, half-orcs,
goblins, hobgoblins, etc.)
Alignment: Lawful Evil
The precise origins of this creature are disputed. While undoubtedly at
least partly human, many scholars suspect some Night Hag or Annis blood
in her genealogy.
Coulter's use of magic focuses on such spells as Hypnotism, Wall of Fog,
Fog Cloud, Misdirection, Suggestion, Mass Suggestion, and the like,
and the mass production of Vacuous Grimoires.
Coulter will avoid physical combat if possible, preferring to use magic
to force others under her sway, but can strike with her claws for 1-4
hit points damage each.
Michelle Malkin
Race: Half-Orc (see below)
Class: Sage, major field of knowledge Humankind/Humanoids, special
categories Law & Customs and Politics & Genealogy; minor
field of knowledge History. Able to cast illusionist spells up to third
level, as by a fifth level cleric.
Hit Points: 20
Strength: 14
Intelligence: 16
Wisdom: 6
Dexterity: 11
Constitution: 13
Charisma: -1 (20 to Republicans, trolls (all kinds!), orcs, half-orcs,
goblins, hobgoblins, etc.)
Alignment: Lawful Evil
Some disagreement exists over this character's race. Status as a sage
seems extraordinary for a half-orc, but her appearance causes near
universal agreement among scholars on some mix of human and orc, likely
with goblin and/or hobgoblin elements, and perhaps even an element of
bugbear in her genealogy often suspected as well.
While this character possesses great knowledge and lore, as her sage
status would indicate, she suffers from the form of insanity known as
"pathological liar", and so little that she says can be believed, though
she demonstrates the greatest conviction in her own lies.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Race: Human
Class: 9th level Barbarian
Hit Points: 155
Strength: 18/00
Intelligence: 8
Wisdom: 5
Dexterity: 16
Constitution: 18
Charisma: 17
Alignment: Neutral (leaning to Lawful Evil)
This individual, hailing from a small, uncivilized country, has
succeeded in overcoming the obstacles inherent in his low intelligence
and wisdom, not to mention his failure to fully master the common
tongue, and used his high charisma to achieve a successful career in
theater and politics.
Ron Paul
Race: Elf
Class: 7th level Cleric
Hit Points: 25
Strength: 10
Intelligence: 18
Wisdom: 16
Dexterity: 14
Constitution: 12
Charisma: 15
Alignment: Chaotic Good
Despite his Chaotic Good alignment, this champion of freedom has somehow
achieved a position in a Lawful Evil political group whose member****p is
primarily comprised of orcs, half-orcs, goblins, hobgoblins, etc.
Noam Chomsky
Race: Gnome
Class: Sage, major field of knowledge Humankind/Humanoids, special
categories Languages, Law & Customs, and Politics & Genealogy; minor
field of knowledge History. Able to cast cleric spells up to third
level, as by a fifth level cleric.
Hit Points: 20
Strength: 10
Intelligence: 19
Wisdom: 19
Dexterity: 12
Constitution: 11
Charisma: 13
Alignment: Chaotic Good
Pat Robertson
Race: Human
Class: 9th level Cleric
Hit Points: 99
Strength: 18
Intelligence: 7
Wisdom: 11
Dexterity: 9
Constitution: 18
Charisma: 16
Alignment: Lawful Evil (hypocritically professes Lawful Good)
An otherwise mediocre-at-best character who has used his high charisma
to become powerful, this once wimpy cleric has made extensive use of
special potions to achieve his high strength and constitution.
Jello Biafra
Race: Human
Class: 5th level Fighter; 6th level Thief; 12th level Bard
Hit Points: 66
Strength: 15
Intelligence: 16
Wisdom: 17
Dexterity: 15
Constitution: 13
Charisma: 17
Alignment: Neutral Good (leaning to Chaotic Good)
This character uses his fighter training in highly energetic and
athletic musical performances, his thief training in pranksterism and
"creative crime", and as a bard relies on various other musicians to
provide backing to his singing.
In lieu of full statistics for the following characters, it should
suffice to indicate their race.
Bill Clinton
Satyr
Monica Lewinsky
Succubus
Hillary Clinton
Harpy
Nancy Pelosi
Harpy
Condoleeza Rice
Night Hag
--
Dan Clore
My collected fiction, _The Unspeakable and Others_:
http://amazon.com/o/ASIN/1587154838/ref=nosim/thedanclorenecro
Lord We˙rdgliffe & Necronomicon Page:
http://www.geocities.com/clorebeast/
News & Views for Anarchists & Activists:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/smygo
"Tho-ag in Zhi-gyu slept seven Khorlo. Zodmanas
zhiba. All Nyug bosom. Konch-hog not; Thyan-Kam
not; Lha-Chohan not; Tenbrel Chugnyi not;
Dharmakaya ceased; Tgenchang not become; Barnang
and Ssa in Ngovonyidj; alone Tho-og Yinsin in
night of Sun-chan and Yong-grub (Parinishpanna),
&c., &c.,"
-- The Book of Dzyan.
|
