Argh. I'm a bit frustrated with myself. My boyfriend and I are
involved with a married couple, both of whom I (we!) really love and
enjoy spending time with. This is my first venture into polyamory and
I have to be honest and say I am tentative about it at best. My
boyfriend and I have had a bit of an up and down (and yes, on and off)
relation****p for the past two years; our main distancing difference
being whether or not to have an open relation****p. This desire is
very strong in him; for me, because of a chaotic past, it is
(unfortunately) a bit unsettling at times emotionally. My fears
sprout without warning and masquerade as truth, until I have time to
think through things and become more logical. We are currently and
happily in an agreement that we can open up our bed to others who
might be willing to share it, as long as we remain each other's
priority emotionally, and as long as we are both present for these
"extracurricular" activities. :-)
I am conscious enough to recognize that monogamy does not equal or
guarantee happiness or even fidelity. I am also bi***ual and
adventurous ***ually, and love the idea of having both the capacity
and the freedom to care for more than one person at a time. My
frustration and confusion is that I still experience jealousy pretty
much every time my boyfriend tells me he's talked to his girlfriend; I
still experience anxiety and fear when we all plan to meet (which is
in truth not all that often); and most troubling is that I still
sometimes have doubts about my boyfriend and (though rare, they can be
intense) negative reactions towards him whenever he expresses his
attraction for someone new. The confusion for both of us is that
sometimes I am thinking logically and can hear these things with a
welcoming attitude, and then at others, they strike me the wrong way
and I equate the information with "He's leaving me for someone else.
I knew this would happen." This reaction is in spite of numerous
conversations during which I'm reassured that he LOVES me, but wants
to PLAY with others WITH me.
I still have to battle my mind when I see my boyfriend and his
girlfriend together...I still feel a bit uncomfortable/shy when I am
with her husband, my boyfriend...
I realize I may catch some flack for my attitude and thoughts, but I
have a need to be honest and to get some honest feedback...and I don't
know where else to ask these questions and receive an answer other
than "what?!? polyamory? are you crazy? leave him!" Because that's
not what I want to do. My boyfriend and I are both around 40, we've
both seen and done a lot and we know we really love each other
deeply. I want to spend my life with this person, and he with me. He
has shown me a committed willingness to listen to my heart and
understand how I struggle with this issue...and I want to do the same
for him by understanding this desire...I really feel that I am there
in so many ways, even sharing the desire to be open and free and
capable of loving more people...but these seemingly instinctual
reactions, that I am doing my best to take responsibility for, are
bothersome.
Has anyone else been through a similar journey, and can you offer me
some guidance? It is very much appreciated, in advance...
Blessings...
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