d2squared wrote:
> Argh. I'm a bit frustrated with myself. My boyfriend and I are
> involved with a married couple, both of whom I (we!) really love and
> enjoy spending time with. This is my first venture into polyamory and
> I have to be honest and say I am tentative about it at best. My
> boyfriend and I have had a bit of an up and down (and yes, on and off)
> relation****p for the past two years; our main distancing difference
> being whether or not to have an open relation****p. This desire is
> very strong in him; for me, because of a chaotic past, it is
> (unfortunately) a bit unsettling at times emotionally. My fears
> sprout without warning and masquerade as truth, until I have time to
> think through things and become more logical.
Your fears are part of the truth.
> We are currently and
> happily in an agreement that we can open up our bed to others who
> might be willing to share it, as long as we remain each other's
> priority emotionally, and as long as we are both present for these
> "extracurricular" activities. :-)
I don't make promises about my emotions, because I can't always
control my emotions, and I don't want to break any promises I might
make. Have you discussed what will happen is someone else becomes
an emotional priority?
(To me, "extracurricular" activities -- that is, *** outside of a
couple relation****p -- don't necessarily equate to polyamory,
especially if there's an explicit agreement that people aren't
supposed to be falling in love, which is what I gather might be what
you mean by "emotional priority".)
> I am conscious enough to recognize that monogamy does not equal or
> guarantee happiness or even fidelity. I am also bi***ual and
> adventurous ***ually, and love the idea of having both the capacity
> and the freedom to care for more than one person at a time. My
> frustration and confusion is that I still experience jealousy pretty
> much every time my boyfriend tells me he's talked to his girlfriend; I
> still experience anxiety and fear when we all plan to meet (which is
> in truth not all that often); and most troubling is that I still
> sometimes have doubts about my boyfriend and (though rare, they can be
> intense) negative reactions towards him whenever he expresses his
> attraction for someone new. The confusion for both of us is that
> sometimes I am thinking logically and can hear these things with a
> welcoming attitude, and then at others, they strike me the wrong way
> and I equate the information with "He's leaving me for someone else.
> I knew this would happen." This reaction is in spite of numerous
> conversations during which I'm reassured that he LOVES me, but wants
> to PLAY with others WITH me.
>
> I still have to battle my mind when I see my boyfriend and his
> girlfriend together...I still feel a bit uncomfortable/shy when I am
> with her husband, my boyfriend...
>
> I realize I may catch some flack for my attitude and thoughts,
I doubt you'll get much here. All your emotions sound pretty normal
to me.
> but I
> have a need to be honest and to get some honest feedback...and I don't
> know where else to ask these questions and receive an answer other
> than "what?!? polyamory? are you crazy? leave him!" Because that's
> not what I want to do. My boyfriend and I are both around 40, we've
> both seen and done a lot and we know we really love each other
> deeply. I want to spend my life with this person, and he with me. He
> has shown me a committed willingness to listen to my heart and
> understand how I struggle with this issue...and I want to do the same
> for him by understanding this desire...I really feel that I am there
> in so many ways, even sharing the desire to be open and free and
> capable of loving more people...but these seemingly instinctual
> reactions, that I am doing my best to take responsibility for, are
> bothersome.
Feelings can be bothersome, yes. Seems you've figured out that
feelings and actions don't have to agree, though, so you're most of
the way there. Can you think of things your partner can do to help
you with those feelings? Some people do stuff like reserving a
night or an activity that's "just for us". Me, I say to my partner,
"I need reassurance right now."
One time, when I was feeling really insecure and jealous, I actually
emailed my partner and said, "Now would be a good time to tell me
that she's not ***ier than I am." Immature, certainly, but his
response really made me feel better. (I showed that response to a
fellow alt.polyite, and she said it would NOT have made her feel
better, but luckily, my partner knows how to say what I need to hear.)
> Has anyone else been through a similar journey, and can you offer me
> some guidance? It is very much appreciated, in advance...
Sounds like you're doing pretty well. The only thing I'd watch out
for is that people's emotions don't always follow rules. You can
make a rule that he can't give emotional precendence to anyone else,
but if his emotions go in that direction, it's gonna be hard to reel
them back in. It might be better (or, rather, it would be better for
me) to ask for what you need behavior-wise, and leave his emotions
to him.
Serene
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