Hi...thanks for all the responses! I have read the FAQ, but I'd to see
if anyone has additional insights to offer...
My primary partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We've
been polyamorous, but not very active (no secondary relation****ps, and
only the rare casual encounter). However, in the last month and a
half, my partner has become very active - a string of ***ual
encounters, dates, crushes, and secondary relation****p prospects have
come up. It used to be a new thing every few months, now it's a new
thing (or two) every week. I feel really overwhelmed by it, like I
can't keep up with him emotionally, and very insecure.
He, on the other hand, feels very frustrated. He feels like a month
and a half should be more than enough time for me to adjust. He's
upset that nothing he says seems to reassure me enough, that I'm not
making any progress. He thinks that I just need a mental "paradigm
****ft". He also doesn't understand why having 10 new prospects is
harder for me than if it were just two or three; he feels like
quantity shouldn't matter. He talks about how my reaction is really
disappointing, how this isn't what polyamory should be like, and how
our whole relation****p is being swallowed up by my insecurity.
This becomes a vicious cycle - because it's not fun hanging around
with someone who is always feeling insecure and unstable, I become
even more insecure. Who would want to hang around a partner who's
always a "downer" when they could hang out with their happier, more
confident prospects? This ties in with my insecurity in general...I
find it hard to imagine that all these incredible new people he's
meeting aren't going to make him rethink his relation****p with
me...especially since it's so rocky right now.
Anyway, so he feels resentful and bitter all the time, and I feel
perpetually rejected and undesirable. I try to be confident and happy,
but somehow when we're together my insecurity just leaks out and I
become sad and quiet and sullen again.
I came up with something I thought would help - if he could send me a
short email before he does stuff with other people, saying something
like "Hey - I'm going out with __ tonight, just remember that I love
you and I'll see you Sunday" and one after that says what he did (not
in detail, but we do tell each other these things) and includes some
more reassurance. But he says he can't very well write these nice
affectionate emails when I'm being so sullen all the time, because I'm
not behaving in a way that is conducive to that.
I don't know anyone else who is polyamorous to talk to, so if anyone
has any advice or suggestions...I'll take them. Neither of us want to
break up, but we also can't stay together if this trajectory
continues.
Help!
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