In article
<40ab8c51-ff9e-4703-8a86-15d9c2181bab@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
>,
montauk <teaspooned@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
>My primary partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We've
>been polyamorous, but not very active (no secondary relation****ps, and
>only the rare casual encounter). However, in the last month and a
>half, my partner has become very active - a string of ***ual
>encounters, dates, crushes, and secondary relation****p prospects have
>come up. It used to be a new thing every few months, now it's a new
>thing (or two) every week. I feel really overwhelmed by it, like I
>can't keep up with him emotionally, and very insecure.
>
>He, on the other hand, feels very frustrated. He feels like a month
>and a half should be more than enough time for me to adjust.
OK, so your partner has suddenly changed his behavior. Do you know why
he changed his behavior? If not, or even if you do, you may not know
whether this behavior change will lead to more behavior changes that
might affect how your relation****p works.
People don't like change that wasn't their idea. Even if this change in
behavior was about something non***ual, like suddenly playing World of
Warcraft for 8 hours a day, it might feel like your relation****p is
suddenly different and you might wonder what it's about and whether your
relation****p is in trouble as a result. You might not know how it's all
going to play out in the end. That's scary.
In my opinion, you have a legitimate reason to feel insecure because
people feel insecure in the face of changes they didn't choose (and
often in the face of changes they did choose, for that matter).
>He's upset that nothing he says seems to reassure me enough,
What kind of reassurance are you asking for / is he offering?
If it's reassurance that he still loves you, that might not be enough,
because love is played out in actions, and the actions seem to have
changed. You might need specific behaviors from him to feel loved.
If it's reassurance that he's not going to leave you - well,
realistically, how can he know that? He is going through a lot of
emotional changes, and it's entirely possible that he will leave you. No
wonder that isn't reassuring, because there's no way to know if it's
true. People can't predict their future actions.
If it's reassurance that your relation****p won't change - well, but it
has changed. He is spending more energy on other prospects, and both of
you are having to process that, and that's stuff going on in your
relation****p that is different from before. So any such reassurance is
actually a lie.
It's possible that there is no way for you to feel entirely secure in
the relation****p while this change is playing itself out. You might need
to just wait and see where things settle and then see if you can deal
with that new paradigm. You might need to ask for some behavior changes
or limits if your feelings get too overwhelming...most people can manage
some insecurity, but can't manage a whole lot of insecurity. It sounds
like you already know that this line exists - every few months is OK,
every few weeks is overwhelming.
>He thinks that I just need a mental "paradigm
>****ft". He also doesn't understand why having 10 new prospects is
>harder for me than if it were just two or three; he feels like
>quantity shouldn't matter. He talks about how my reaction is really
>disappointing, how this isn't what polyamory should be like, and how
>our whole relation****p is being swallowed up by my insecurity.
I'm sure he would like for you to just deal; everyone wants other people
to behave in ways that are convenient for them. But it's not realistic.
And "This isn't what polyamory should be like" is a really hurtful piece
of bull****. This is exactly what polyamory is like - at least a
particular stage of polyamory - for dozens of long-term poly people I
know. New relation****ps can be scary for the reasons described above,
and existing relation****ps might need more attention in those
cir***stances.
>This becomes a vicious cycle - because it's not fun hanging around
>with someone who is always feeling insecure and unstable, I become
>even more insecure.
One thing that my primary and I used as a tool when we were going
through a stage like this - we set aside days specifically for having
fun together and not processing. That also meant that they were days
when my partner (because I was the one having difficulties) didn't get
to talk about zir other prospects or make plans with them or communicate
with them. And on my side, I needed to focus on the good stuff of our
relation****p and try not to dwell on my negative feelings.
It helped because it reminded us why we got together in the first place.
It was not a panacea. We also needed a relation****p therapist and lots
of conversations about poly -- conversations where my partner tried
really hard to understand my point of view, and not just tell me that I
wasn't doing it right.
>I came up with something I thought would help - if he could send me a
>short email before he does stuff with other people, saying something
>like "Hey - I'm going out with __ tonight, just remember that I love
>you and I'll see you Sunday" and one after that says what he did (not
>in detail, but we do tell each other these things) and includes some
>more reassurance. But he says he can't very well write these nice
>affectionate emails when I'm being so sullen all the time, because I'm
>not behaving in a way that is conducive to that.
This is the point where I recommend a book called Getting the Love You
Want by Harville Hendrix. There is one specific point he makes that is
relevant here: When a relation****p is in trouble and there's a lot of
resentment, the partners should do at least one nice thing per day for
each other, **even if they don't feel like it**. This can turn the
relation****p around.
It's bull**** that he "can't" write those e-mails. It's probably true
that he would feel on some level that he is "faking" the lighthearted
affection, but if the e-mails reassured you and allow you to feel a
little more connected, they could make a difference.
If he really doesn't want to write e-mails per se, then maybe there's
some other thing he could do for you, that you would feel is loving and
shows a desire for connection.
One last thing - it's possible that all this new activity on his part is
a prelude to his withdrawing from the relation****p. If so, then I don't
know what can be done; all of the stuff I've written assumes a
commitment and willingness to work on the problems, on both your parts.
I hope it works out for the best.
--
Stef ** stef@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
**
** cat-and-dragon.com/stef ** firecat.livejournal.com **
**
But in reality he was a strange and complicated man who wrote a strange
and sad book, whose complex of meanings we will likely never determine.
-- Andrew O'Hehir on J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings in Salon
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