I'm sure no one noticed, but I stepped away for a few days.
Based on the tone and increasingly personal and hostile nature of the
conversation in the latest megathread, I had decided that I needed to
take a break from this group for a while. I was finding that I was
getting genuinely upset at what was being said, not just to me, but to
others, and the way those things were being said. I'm actually not
that easily bothered, but, for some reason, I was taking very
personally some of the exchanges that I was reading and I just didn't
want to be a part of it.
After I stopped reading, I started to consider why I would take so
personally things written by people I have never met and who, mostly
likely, I will never meet. I have been reading newsgroups since the
mid-90s and am used to bullying and showboating and other crap that
goes on in them and, depending on my mood, either ignore it or read it
for mere entertainment (the way you might watch pro wrestling, or
listen to Rush Limbaugh). This group is definitely different. Even if
I weren't drawn to this group's obstensible topic, I would have been
drawn to its culture and, frankly, its personalities. I came to
respect, deeply, the lives, opinions and feelings of just about
everyone who posted regularly, even if, on occassion, I strongly
disagreed with a few of them (the opinions that is). I had the
distinct sense that, again, almost to a person, others in the group
had a similar respect for others, regardless of the extent to which
their worldviews overlapped.
I realize, as I think about it, that one of the reasons that I became
uncomfortable was that for what was, hopefully, a brief time, I lost
that sense. Perhaps the topics were just too emotional. But it felt,
suddenly, like the conversation had become consumed by a fervor that
caused the normal decorum to collapese and the robustness of
discussion to become stifled. What might have, historically, been an
attempt to persuade (even if a passionate one) was often replaced by
"Nope, you don't get it," or "Shut up and listen." And then, here's
the kicker, in a technique reminiscent of a favorite of my Freudian-
leaning high school literature teacher, when one would object to "shup
up and listen," the reply was something like, "well that just proves
that you don't get it." In other words, the dogma was nice and tight,
complete with built-in self-referential defenses that prevented any
useful conversation on the topic whatsoever. You either get it or you
don't. You're either with me or you're against me.
So I stopped posting. I intended to stop reading too, but I did still
lurk a little. I don't know why. I guess old habits are hard to break.
Mostly the fervor died down, except a little ember would reignite here
and there.
I read the blog post on the rudeness of suits on subways. Aqua
described it as a "nice" article. I found it awful. I hated it. Could
barely get through it. Frankly, I related too much to the assholes in
the article. To be clear, the more I read, the less the suits sounded
like me...I don't bleat about the others on the train, nor would I
block others from getting off, but I can't deny that it felt close
enough to home to bother me.
If there is one single reason that I think I keep participating with
this group, it is that it is always challenging. I am never allowed
the luxury of living in my cranial status quo. I learn stuff, some of
it useful, some of it useless and much of it sort of painful.
The relation****p things I have learned by reading here have definitely
helped me in my recent reconciliation with my partner, and continues
to benefit us as we explore better ways to communicate. In particular,
I am much more concerned about how something I do makes him feel,
rather than, as in the past, whether or not I was entitled to do it.
This is hard work. I'm too used to (dare I say it) the privilege of
his deference to me to easily remember that I thinks aren't so just
because I think or say it.
Some of what was said in the monster thread did get through to me.
Just as I care more about how I affect my partner's feelings, I do
believe that it is im****tant to consider how others feel when making
points in a public discussion, regardless of how valid I think the
points may be. I have no idea yet how to balance those two things, but
I know for a fact that I won't develop that skill without continuing
to engage in the effort, and I can't think of a better place to do
that than here.
I only hope that the mood returns for lively discussion and persuasion
and the tendency to personal swipes starts again to diminish.
I still don't know how my being called an asshole is a reason for
marriage proposals. Oh wait, I forgot. It's because I don't get it.
Well, with a little more effort (on my part and, hopefully, that of
the rest of you) maybe I will.
I hope you are all having a beautiful day. Mid 60s F and sunning up
from early rains here in Denver.
Lane
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