Steve Pope <spope33@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
> Irfon-Kim Ahmad <irfon@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
>
>>Steve Pope <spope33@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
>
>>> Irfon-Kim Ahmad <irfon@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
>
>>>>Steve Pope <spope33@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
>
>>>>> There is no single point of view behind a preference for cheating,
>>>>> but from what I have seen the number one motivation comes down
>>>>> to a simple control issue.
>
>>>>This doesn't match my experience. The most oft-cited reason given is
>>>>that being open about it is "throwing it in their face" or that if
>>>>you're going to sleep around you could at least have the decency to be
>>>>discreet about it.
>
>>> But maybe this is the difference between stated reasons and real
>>> reasons.
>
>>> Controllers/manipulators are very seldom upfront about their
>>> motivations. They are constantly making excuses.
>
>>I'd want to see some evidence that that was the case, because once one
>>posits such an idea, one can ascribe any behaviour, statement or action
>>to it, regardless of whether it appears to sup****t it or not, through
>>simple black box magic.
>
> One strong piece of evidence is that, by simple observation, cheating
> *does* give the cheater more control over the cheated-upon person
> than not cheating (i.e. being truthful) would. So, the cheater
> is choosing to have more control on their partner than they
> would obtain had they chosen the alternative.
>
> Now, there's probably a difference between choosing more control
> in one situation, and "being a controller". For the latter,
> I would want to see a pattern. A pattern of cheating fits
> the pattern of being a controller, whereas an isolated
> incident might not.
If I inherit money from the death of a relative, is that *on its own*
proof that I killed them? I don't know that that someone gains control
necessarily proves that they did it out of a desire for control.
Also, a lot of what I'm talking about is "people who think cheating is
more moral than polyamory," without necessarily being "people who are
actually cheating". I've had conversations with people who don't cheat
who nonetheless think that cheating would be preferable to polyamory for
the reasons that I mention: because they see polyamory as "throwing it
in their face" or "rubbing their noses in it" -- causing hurt on top of
the immoral act, or lacking the decency to be ashamed of what they did.
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