Quoth spope33@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
(Steve Pope) on Tue, 29 Jul 2008 19:37:45
+0000 (UTC):
>Irfon-Kim Ahmad <irfon@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
>
>>Steve Pope <spope33@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
>
>>> Irfon-Kim Ahmad <irfon@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
>
>>>>Steve Pope <spope33@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
>
>>>>> There is no single point of view behind a preference for cheating,
>>>>> but from what I have seen the number one motivation comes down
>>>>> to a simple control issue.
>
>>>>This doesn't match my experience. The most oft-cited reason given is
>>>>that being open about it is "throwing it in their face" or that if
>>>>you're going to sleep around you could at least have the decency to be
>>>>discreet about it.
>
>>> But maybe this is the difference between stated reasons and real
>>> reasons.
>
>>> Controllers/manipulators are very seldom upfront about their
>>> motivations. They are constantly making excuses.
>
>>I'd want to see some evidence that that was the case, because once one
>>posits such an idea, one can ascribe any behaviour, statement or action
>>to it, regardless of whether it appears to sup****t it or not, through
>>simple black box magic.
>
>One strong piece of evidence is that, by simple observation, cheating
>*does* give the cheater more control over the cheated-upon person
>than not cheating (i.e. being truthful) would. So, the cheater
>is choosing to have more control on their partner than they
>would obtain had they chosen the alternative.
As far as I can tell, it gives more control in the specific sense that
it takes away the cheated-on person's option to leave rather than
share a partner. It also gives up certain kinds of control: the
cheater's behavior is often influenced, if not controlled, by concern
about being caught.
On a very simple level: I can schedule to see my partners at times
that work for all of us. If, instead, I were having a clandestine
affair with someone, I would have to make up excuses for going to
see them, and have a lot less flexibility in changing that. The
cheater's ability to have certain conversations is also constrained,
of course, as is zir ability to simply go about ordinary activities
with the non-marital partner. I can walk down the street with
Adrian and not worry that someone is going to see us and tell
Andy; I don't have to avoid certain restaurants for fear that a
mutual friend of mine and Andy's will see me with her and tell
him about it.
It also seems possible that, in some cases, the cheating paradigm
is a way of limiting the shape of the outside relation****ps: that is,
that if the cheater is controlling anyone by that choice, it isn't
zir spouse, but zir other lover(s).
--
Vicki Rosenzweig | vr@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
"Heat death or cold, in randomness or Cause,
It is not how it ends, but what it was." --John M. Ford
|
